The Parks Department is considering making it illegal to feed the ducks in Prospect Park, ending a tradition that goes back generations. Here are some other traditional activities that should probably be banned, too:
• Breathing — It’s just creating too much carbon dioxide.
• Jumping in leaf piles — It’s cruel to twigs.
• Pick-up football — Overly stigmatizes the last-picked kid.
• Kite flying — Encourages children to stand around, burning no calories.
• Kickball — It’s really cruel to the ball.
• Frisbee — It could take an eye out.
• Picnicking — Crumbs are causing ant obesity epidemic.
• Reading the paper — Casts shadows that can kill microscopic grass mites.
• Bike riding — It’s called a “walk in the park” for a reason, folks. See also: Jogging.
• Painting — All images of Prospect Park are property of the Parks Department and cannot be reproduced or disseminated in any form.
• Bird watching — Could lead to dancing, which could lead to feeding.
• Executing hundreds of geese in the middle of the night — Popular with government officials, but always a bad public relations move.
