What else should be illegal?

The Parks Department is considering making it illegal to feed the ducks in Prospect Park, ending a tradition that goes back generations. Here are some other traditional activities that should probably be banned, too:

• Breathing — It’s just creating too much carbon dioxide.

• Jumping in leaf piles — It’s cruel to twigs.

• Pick-up football — Overly stigmatizes the last-picked kid.

• Kite flying — Encourages children to stand around, burning no calories.

• Kickball — It’s really cruel to the ball.

• Frisbee — It could take an eye out.

• Picnicking — Crumbs are causing ant obesity epidemic.

• Reading the paper — Casts shadows that can kill microscopic grass mites.

• Bike riding — It’s called a “walk in the park” for a reason, folks. See also: Jogging.

• Painting — All images of Prospect Park are property of the Parks Department and cannot be reproduced or disseminated in any form.

• Bird watching — Could lead to dancing, which could lead to feeding.

• Executing hundreds of geese in the middle of the night — Popular with government officials, but always a bad public relations move.