It is game day in the Ridge. Here is your step-by-step guide to the weekend and the best places to go to catch the Super Bowl.
On Friday, reconcile yourself with your god and loved ones for your impending absence — pre-apologize to your spouse for the horse blinders you’ll be wearing on game day, visit that ailing relative in the hospital in case they take a turn for the worse but the score is too close to visit them on their death bed, and buy adult diapers.
Saturday is for fasting. Ready your body (and mind) for the prodigious intake of wings and beer. Steel yourself against the coming tide of inane announcer chatter. Consume nothing but Gatorade.
Sunday is the big day.
If you couldn’t unshackle yourself from your spouse and brood, make the Super Bowl a family affair at Vesuvio (7305 Third Ave. between 73rd and 74th streets). It is breaking out the big screen and will have food and drink specials to match — a large pie and 12 wings is just $20. Just spin some Lucille Ball-esque yarn about how you just want to take the family out to eat, roll into Vesuvio, and then, “Oh look at that, the game’s on here, too!” You can thank us later.
The fan-on-a-budget can head to Three Jolly Pigeons (6802 Third Ave. at 68th Street) for a no-frills Super Bowl — the televisions will pump out all the gridiron action and the halftime buffet is gratis.
Beer snobs should go deep into the 90s, where Lockyard (9221 Fifth Ave. between 92nd and 94th streets) is slinging brews from Super Bowl teams’ hometowns — Seattle beer-makers Elysian’s Space Dust India Pale Ale and Rich & Dan’s Rye India Pale Ale from New England brewers Harpoon. If you get hungry in the third quarter, $49 gets you 18 wings or a sampler platter, as well as unlimited canned beer.
It is East Coast meets West Coast meets Rhein coast at German restaurant Schnitzel Haus (7319 Fifth Ave. between 73rd and 74th streets), where you can watch the game on a 10-foot television with a really legit bratwurst. The all-you-can-eat-and-drink package is $40.
And if you’re bitter your team didn’t make it to the Big Game, head to the Salty Dog (7509 Third Ave. between Bay Ridge Parkway and 76th Street). There is literally nothing out-of-the-ordinary happening at this blue-collar bar on Feb. 1, which means you can wile away the afternoon talking to regulars about how Seattle is a liberal cesspool and Bostonians have ridiculous accents.