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Yes, Virginia, there is an Ida • Brooklyn Paper

Yes, Virginia, there is an Ida

We just received this letter in our mailbag from lil’ Virginia O’Malley of Old Mill Basin:

“DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.

Some of my little friends say there is no Ida Eisenstein.

Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE COURIER, it’s so.’

Please tell me the truth; is Eisenstein real?”

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They inhabit a skeptical world that is antithetical to the footloose universe our very real gridiron Galileo inhabits. You see, Virginia, we are all simply hermit crabs in a tide pool, blissfully unaware of the boundless ocean of truth and knowledge that exists just beyond our claws’ reach.

Yes, Virginia, there is an Eisenstein. She exists as certainly as a platter of whitefish chubs displayed in the appetizing department of the Silver Star meat market.

Alas! How dreary a world if there was no Ida! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias! There would be no Kryptonite Lock of the Week, no weekly inspiration, no quixotic behavior that both beguiles and infuriates her fans.

No Eisenstein! Thank God! She lives, and she lives on to improve the respectable 8-8 week she posted last week.

Not believe in Eisenstein? You might as well not believe in Santa Claus!

Ida’s picks:

Seahawks (+2), Jets (-3.5), Jags (+3.5), Bears (-8), Steelers (-7.5), Ravens (-7.5), Falcons (+1), Bucs (-3), Saints (-7.5), Broncos (+1.5), Patriots (+21), Cowboys (-6).

Ida’s breakouts:

Giants (+6) over Packers:

“If they lose, they’re done.”

Bills (-1) over Titans:

“I don’t have an answer for everything.”

Rams (+13) over 49ers:

“49ers will win, but not by 13 points.”

Ida’s Kryptonite Lock of the Week:

Raiders (+3.5) over Dolphins:

“They’re playing good.”

91-78-6; 9-3 on Kryptonite Lock of the Week.

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