You think the post office is bad? Try Fed Ex!

I’m madder than a mailman who has to climb three flights of steps to deliver a certified letter on the hottest day of the year (or the coldest, with the steps covered in ice!) — and then find out that there is no one at home to sign for it — over Fed Ex’s inability to deliver a simple package to yours truly.

Look, you all know that I delivered mail for 30 years for the United States Postal Service before I retired to my fabulous co-op in Bensonhurst, so I would understand it if you figured that when I complained about a competitor like Fed Ex (or “Federal Express,” as they used to call it in the good ol’ days) it’s just sour grapes.

But let me tell you something: it’s not! You know why? Because I’ll be the first to tell you that the Post Office stinks! That’s right, you heard it from the horse’s mouth!

But I digress. This column is about Fed Ex, not the Post Office where this particular courier took a day or two off from his appointed rounds, but only because I earned a some personal days!

Look, I don’t want to bore you with the details, so I’ll get right to it. I wanted to get my 91-year-old sister one of those fancy do-hickey’s you need to talk to people when the wire from your phone doesn’t stretch far enough outside, so I went onto the Interweb and found a cellphone I thought she could handle late on July 1. That meant the order would go through the next day — which I figured gave me plenty of time to get it, set it up, wrap it up, and deliver it to Susie on her big day, July 11. I figured I’d have it by the fifth at the latest.

Boy, was that wishful thinking.

When Fed Ex never showed up on the fifth, I figured it had something to do with the day before being a holiday. Hey, I’ve been in the business and I know what that’s like. Still, I called Verizon, and the people over there passed the buck, giving me the tracking number for the package and phone number of Fed Ex to check on its whereabouts.

That’s when the phone tag began! Fed Ex referred me to a couple of customer service reps, who promised me delivery by 7 pm on the seventh. Ha! Repeat this scenario on Thursday, only with me ranting and raving and spitting blood because the phone not arrive, and I didn’t even get a note from Fed Ex explaining that an attempt to deliver it had been made.

I was then told it would be delivered by Friday morning, and I vowed that if it didn’t come by noon, I would refuse it!

I then called Verizon to detail the odyssey of Susie’s birthday cellphone. The people there noted the complaint and told me that if I refused the phone, there would be no charge.

On top of that, they apologized.

But Friday came and went, and so did the many, many calls to Fed Ex!

Can you imagine my conversations with customer service reps, especially when I said I am going to give you the biggest insult you could ever receive?

“I am a retired letter carrier and after 30 ears of delivering mail, I gotta tell you, everybody thinks the Postal Service was bad, but Fed Ex is the worst — ever!”

With this stunning revelation, Fed EX promised to deliver it by Monday July 11.

On July 11 delivery was attempted at 10:24 and for the first time ever, we got a “delivery attempted” notice — but nothing was delivered, even though my wife and I were home until 5 pm!

We left for Susie’s birthday party with a picture of the phone that was never delivered. So instead of bringing a present, I brought an IOU!

I’ve alerted building personnel to be on the alert for the very elusive Fed Ex delivery man.

Of course, this reminds me of the Scarlet Pimpernel poem, and I will modify it for you. “We seek him here, we seek him there, we frustrated customers seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven, he belongs in hell, that non-delivering Fed Ex delivery man … who never rings your bell!”

So thank you, Fed Ex for putting a big, big, big, big, big, big, big damper on an otherwise wonderful celebration.

Now the point in the column where I point out that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade by thanking the people who helped make the day grand.

Anthony and Donna, thank you for throwing a great 91st birthday party for your Aunt Sue. As usual, your party was exceptional.

Perhaps you can whip another party up Fed Ex finally delivers my present.

If we’re lucky, that will be before she turns 100!

Screech at you next week!