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Mercy, mercy them! Blowouts dominate Sunday kickball

The Brooklyn Paper
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Lord, have mercy!

Under pressure to satisfy the demands of multiple clubs for June games, Brooklyn Kickball Commissioner Kevin Dailey scheduled an unprecedented 25 games on Sunday, which were anointed Mercy Rule Sunday due to the wide disparities between the talents of the clubs that played.

The results were lopsided scores, blowouts, and several short games lasting a mere two innings as offensive juggernauts romped over comparatively weakling opponents.

A rejuvenated Never Scared led the way with a frightening, 10-0 display of power over the Space Cadets, just before a strong John Cougar Mellencamps club boiled the Lighting Turtles by the same lopsided score.

Never Scared third baseman Karl “Deepwater Horizon” Pawlewicz attributed Never Scared’s “mercy killing” to a solid team effort buoyed by its female members, Rachel “Scrappy” Josar, Stacey “Kiss My” Stucas, Shannon “Doherty” Sturgis and Brooke “Book ’em Dano” Denley.

“The credit has to go to the ladies. They do a fabulous job,” said Pawlewicz.

After receiving the whipping, Space Cadets star Dario “Someone to Love” Giminez could only tip his cap towards his opponents.

“Horrible,” said Giminez. “We got our asses kicked. We got killed.”

In the game immediately afterward, the Mellencamps set up camp, pitched a tent, and cooked themselves some turtle soup from the remains of the Lightning Turtles, who boldly predicted before the game that they would mercy last year’s champions.

It was not meant to be.

“We’ll mercy them in two innings,” said Turtles teammate Josh “Jackson” Pollock, minutes before the Mellencamps began a barrage of extra base hits.

The league’s most perplexing team, Bacon Bits, mercied Dolls with Balls, 10-0, but lost to Salute Your Jorts in its second game, leading many longtime observers to shake their heads.

In the other mercy victory, Zeus’ Beard poured its offense over Diddy’s White Party, 12-2, which may force kickball observers to give the team a second look after its slow start.

Several teams came close to mercy victories, which count for an extra point in the standings and can improve playoff seeding at the end of the season.

Top ranked Majesty shut out Balls to the Wall, 9-0, while the Mellencamps dispatched the Space Cadets, 8-2. Never Scared were denied a mercy rule victory over Dolls with Balls, 8-3, after Dolls captain Julia “Texas Tea” Morrow made a sensational diving catch, robbing Pawlewicz of extra bases.

The surging New Frontiersmen did not mercy anyone, a surprise to many observers, but they did defeat the Pirates, 5-0, and Sugar Tits! by the thin 1-0 score. The Frontiersmen even fell behind the Lighting Turtles, 0-8, before climbing back to a 10-8 victory.

The day saw one upset, when Sugar Tits! took out Kickball Fever in one of the early games, based on the efficient coaching of Erin “El Jefe” Gardner and the feverish play of first baseman Chris “We Are The” Champs, who played his first game of the year.

“We all feel really good about having Chris back,” said Gardner. “Plus he had a Jolly Rancher on the way over here, which made him angry.”

Brooklyn Kickball at McCarren Park ball fields (Bedford Avenue at N. 14th Street in Greenpoint), Sundays 1–11 pm. Nobody covers Brooklyn Kickball like the Community Newspaper Group. Pick us up every week for all the runs, hits, errors and spilled beer from McCarren Park.

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