Crummy’s real Brooklyn gift guide

I’m in a flap over this Brooklyn gift guide those bird brains at The Brooklyn Paper put together. Slapping “Bklyn” on some goofy tube socks and charging $100 doesn’t make it a Kings County original — it makes you look like an overpriced street fair vendor. So I put together my own real-deal gift guide, packed with more authentic Brooklyn than you can shake a candy cane at.

Get sauced

So I’m snacking on some scraps in an alley in Marine Park. No big deal. Then I hit this vein of ragu alla bolognese — and oh man, the gravy! It took me back to Sunday mornings in the nest — before dad went out for that pack of cigarettes and mom cooped up with Larry. Anyways, my little cousin tells me they sell the stuff at a joint called Michael’s. I’m like “Get the f—outtahere, this is homemade.” But I winged it over to Avenue R and Nostrand, and sure enough, they got the same stuff — in a jar! It’s so bene, I almost molted myself.

Just like mama made: Michael’s sauces combine family recipes and a simple presentation that is distincly Brooklyn.

Photo by Steve Solomonson

Michael’s of Brooklyn [2929 Avenue R between Nostrand Avenue and E. 29th Street in Marine Park, www.micha‌elsof‌brook‌lyn.com, (718) 998–7851].

A cut above

Say your office’s Secret Santa stuck you with that bearded, midwestern kid who lives in Williamsburg, and you want to give him a taste of real Brooklyn he’ll actually use. Enter New York Shaving Company, where a Bensonhurst husband-and-wife team make shaving soap, lather brushes, safety razors — the whole nine yards. Maybe young Caleb will take the hint and cut off that lousy crustache. Oh, and when you’re in there, ask them when they’ll re-stock the feather conditioner. What!? I’m askin’ for a friend.

Va-va-voom!: Give the gift of burlesque this holiday season with tickets to a “Burlesque at the Beach” show.

Photo by Luke Ratray

New York Shaving Company [7301 20th Ave. at 73rd Street in Bensonhurst, www.nysha‌vingc‌ompan‌y.com, (718) 259–9100].

Shows by the seashore

My cousin Sandy down in Coney Island says there’s a joint you can go watch birds take their clothes off — but, ya know, tastefully. Now, I’m not really into the human ladies. Unless they got a feather boa, then I just lose it. But Sandy says these ladies (and dudes) are art-eests. And classy. Give an early gift with tickets for the Dec. 20 show, or wait for Coney Island USA to announce its January show times — no one will turn down an I.O.U. with the word “burlesque” on it.

A cut above: New York Shaving Company makes its own shaving supplies in Bensonhurst.

Photo by Elizabeth Graham

“Burlesque at the Beach” at Coney Island USA [1208 Surf Ave. between Stillwell Avenue and W. 12th Street in Coney Island, (718) 372–5159, www.coney‌islan‌d.com]. $15.

The book on Brooklyn

Here’s another Marine Park original (there’s a marsh with some real fine birds, so I spend a lot of time there). This young guy Mark Chiusano put together a bunch of short stories about growing up in one of Brooklyn’s most bucolic neighborhood. Usually the only reading I do is making sure my smokes say “full flavor,” but this book ain’t just cage-liner!