Can we please just end the Babeland controversy before it even begins?
For the record: Smartmom can’t wait for the May opening of Babeland, the woman-friendly sex toys shop on Bergen Street off Fifth Avenue.
And so are plenty of Park Slopers.
Of course, that didn’t prevent the New York Post from oozing out of the Murdochian slime to dis the neighborhood with its story this week on the coming sex shop, “Sex Toy Shop Has Bad Vibes in Park Slope,” the paper of right-wing record stated — and, naturally, found a few prudes that it could use as proxies for a sexless, repressed neighborhood.
“I don’t think it’s the ideal location for a provocative business,” Bruce Osborne told the Post, which was no doubt looking for yet another “Park Slopers are idiots” story (versions of which seem to be keeping every writer in town well occupied lately).
A 32-year-old stay-at-home mom added, “I don’t think it’s a great idea.”
You know where this is headed.
We all remember what happened in 2002, when the Pink Pussycat Boutique — the dildo and vibrator emporium — opened across from MS 51 on Fifth Avenue between Fourth and Fifth streets.
Plenty of middle-school parents were aghast at having a sex shop across the street from their children’s middle school. Councilman Bill DeBlasio (D–Park Slope) came to a PTA meeting fully prepared to advocate for the parents against the store.
But that didn’t turn out to be necessary. In the end, the PTA voted to ask the shop to lock its door during school hours and to refrain from overly sexual window displays.
So the store is still stands and everybody seems happy. There are way more important things to worry about than a shop that sells lubricants and edible underwear — like the math program for instance, or the behavior of the kids at lunchtime.
A few weeks after the PTA meeting, Teen Spirit’s filmmaking class thought about making a video documentary about the whole controversy. Smartmom felt vindicated. Even a divisive topic could be a valuable learning experience for a bunch of Park Slope kids.
So why not welcome Babeland? For one thing it sounds like they’ll have an incredible selection of dildos in many sizes, shapes and colors. And while this neighborhood is rife with good restaurants, children’s clothing stores and real-estate offices, there’s a dearth of sex toys shops.
Yes, a dearth. Just because Park Slope is a child-obsessed neighborhood doesn’t meant that the grownups can’t have sex. I mean, kids are evidence that parents do have sex once in a while. At least they once did.
The deep dark secret of life in Park Slope is that parents don’t spend ENOUGH time doing it. In fact, it’s probably the one activity that they’re not highly motivated about.
If parents in Park Slope spent a little less time hovering over their children, worrying about middle school admissions, SAT scores and extracurricular activities, and more time engaging in sensual activities, maybe everyone would be a little bit happier.
Which isn’t to say that Smartmom and Hepcat aren’t happy. It’s just that their family-centered lifestyle and too-small apartment doesn’t leave enough time for canoodling. And Smartmom is sick and tired of hearing about the sex lives of her divorced friends who have recently met the loves of their lives and seem to be spending inordinate amounts of time in bed.
It’s not like Smartmom is jealous or anything. She knows that Hepcat is the best catch in the sea. But finding the time to get intimate is harder than getting a spot at one of the neighborhood’s prestigious private schools.
So, Smartmom can’t imagine a better store. Specializing in sex toys for mature adults, the bestselling items on the Babeland Web site include the Form 6, an upscale rechargeable vibrator for $175, the Hitachi, described as the Cadillac of vibrators, for $84 and the $165 Delight, a snake-like device that “practically guides itself to your favorite pleasure points.”
What a perfect destination for “date night” — Park Slope slang for a night when couples force themselves to do something fun together and promise not to talk about their children. How about dinner, a movie and a prolonged stop at Babeland to pick up something to spice things up in the bedroom?
Now don’t be embarrassed; it’s not like you’re a middle-schooler. You’re a consenting adult and you can shop at Babeland anytime you want.
And want you should.
The only question, as one poster on Brownstoner asked, “Will Babeland allow strollers?”
