Wedding bells rang last weekend for my niece, the oldest of all the children of me and my siblings. We’re not a large family, but everyone from all three generations gathered to celebrate the nuptials, visit, and have some fun together.
During the festivities I realized that for me, my parents, their parents and stretching back forever, the expectations were clear — you grow up and start your own family. Looking at my daughters, I’m not sure I’ve given them the right message.
I’m definitely one of those parents who tells my kids to follow their passions, do what they love, and be their own person. That seems well and good, but does it lead to lives that wander without direction, shifting focus as they find new interests? Growing up with clear expectations handed down from my parents gave me something solid to build on, or at times to push against.
For me, adolescence was the period of life for straying from the path laid before me, experimenting and exploring, swerving from side to side, so to speak, until I found myself firmly on the road as a young adult. My daughters certainly have that first part down, investigating and journeying through the world around them. Do they have something clear they’re aiming for?
I worry that without expectations and direction, it will be easy for my daughters to lack commitment and never fully invest in whatever they choose to do. Having the target of home and family keeps a focus on the future and will help them weigh decisions not simply on how happy they are at that moment, but how it fits in with other aspirations.
Much has been written about my kids’ generation’s unwillingness to form committed relationships, choosing instead the hook-up culture. I’m sure that is fun in the moment, but where does it leave you when you want a partner to start a family with? How do you learn to be in a strong relationship without a couple of those false starts of young adulthood?
Clearly, I’m pro-family, but I do realize my daughters may make other choices. Even if they decide not to have children, or to stay single, the point is having a direction and sticking with it. They will, like virtually everyone, give something up; picking a path means giving up other destinations, but without making choices they will end up nowhere.
Even that much, though, starts by communicating expectations and demanding commitment, requiring my girls to take on responsibilities and fulfilling them rather than condoning a constant shifting of interests. Eventually this is the path to work, long-term relationships, a home and a life of their own.
I look forward to their weddings, to playing with grandchildren and enjoying my family’s next generation. My girls may have different plans for themselves and for me, but as long as they commit to something (and, hopefully, someone) I will accept they’ve found their own path and are heading somewhere.
This is the expectation I need to make clear to them — and that I will get a good seat at their weddings.
