Miniature-members only! Smallest penis contest thrills, chills

Miniature-members only! Smallest penis contest thrills, chills
We have a weiner: Smallest Penis pageant champ Rajeev Gupta, shown here with official “penis kitten” Cherry Pitz, won $200 and a hot date with two sisters.
Photo by Stefano Giovannini

They were pretty in shrink.

The second-annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant packed Bushwick’s Kings County Bar on Saturday like it was a pair of extra-small tighty-whiteys. Attendees went nuts for the microscopic appendages on display, a musician who came out for the show said.

“It was gross, hot, and wonderful,” said Charles Stunning, whose band Afterbirth Monkey performed during intermissions. “It was like being on a crowded, hot subway platform if everyone on the platform loved penis.”

The proceedings included a formal-wear portion, in which the six all-but-nude contestants donned bow-tie-adorned baby socks, Red-Hot-Chili-Peppers-style, a question-and-answer period, a swimwear battle, in which contestants got hosed down wearing tulle-like material, and a talent section.

Manhattanite Rajeev Gupta bagged the title of tiniest tallywhacker, but claimed he did not win the contest purely on measurement merits.

“If it was called Mr. Brooklyn or something, I still would have won,” said Gupta, explaining that it was the interview portion of the exhibition where he really shined. “My answers were genuinely what I thought of at the moment. I did not try to be overly smart or witty, and women thought I was cute and nice.”

Gupta grew offended when a reporter asked him the size of his penis and would not answer other than to say that he had successfully made love to dozens of women.

For not-so-grand prize Gupta took home $200 and at least one date with a pair of open-minded sisters.

Last year’s winner, a United Parcel Service service employee from Queens, opted to take in this year’s contest from the sidelines. He did not think that this year’s contenders measured up.

“I was disappointed with some of the contestants,” Nicholas Gilronan said. “One guy told jokes from a phone and another sang a song while reading the lyrics from a piece of paper. When I told jokes last year, I at least had them memorized.”

The best part of the wee-willy tournament was its uplifting theme, said burlesque performer Cyndi Freeman, who escorted the diminutive dynamos to the stage in her official capacity as “penis kitten.”

“They are taking something that is usually considered the worst thing ever and having good senses of humor about themselves and getting up there and saying, ‘This is who I am,’ ” said Freeman, who performs under the stage name Cherry Pitz. “They leave with a sense of, ‘If everything is healthy and everything works, there is nothing wrong.’ ”

Reach reporter Danielle Furfaro at [email protected] or by calling (718) 260-2511. Follow her at twitter.com/DanielleFurfaro.

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