These comedians would not tell us their first joke of 2014 — but they did share the last one they wrote in 2013:
So I got catcalled recently. I don’t get catcalled a lot, but maybe it’s winter so people are stepping down their game. I was walking in Union Square, and I just hear this yelled with provocative enthusiasm: “NAMASTE!” And (I’m Indian so) I thought “No way, there’s no way that was for me. But I will just look over in that direction to see what’s going on.” So I look and I see this guy nodding leeringly at me. So I processed that. But then I saw it was like this big white guy with full cornrows in his hair, and I realized “Oh, he just doesn’t understand ethnic boundaries. He’s like a walking experiment in identity — just throwing things out into the universe and seeing what sticks. A work in progress, if you will. Carry on, sir. I wish you luck on your journey.”
My boyfriend’s from New Jersey and he just took me to see Bruce Springsteen. I’m pretty sure he thinks we’re married now.
Have you ever beat somebody at pool who brought their own stick, and you don’t even own your own stick, because you’re normal? That feels awesome. Because their internal monologue is, “Okay, I’m going out tonight for the sole purpose of playing and winning at pool. I’ve invested hundreds of dollars in this stick, which is slightly different from the free sticks that will already be there. And I certainly don’t plan on losing, especially to somebody who didn’t bring their own stick, because I equate way too much of my self-worth with whether or not I win at pool.” And then your internal monologue is, “Oh look, a pool table. Maybe I’ll play pool.” And the best part is that after you beat them, they have to do that unwind of shame with their stick and then put the two sad little pieces into their sad little flute case and walk out.