Brooklyn is in the running to host the 2016 Democratic National Convention and, obvious as the choice may be to us, our fair borough has to win over not only the city government, which also included Manhattan venues in its pitch letter, but the Democratic National Committee, to whom the letter was addressed. With that in mind, and with Philadelphia safely off the table, we figured we would turn our attention to the remaining 13 shortlisted cities and explain to committee chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz why each of them is a bad idea. Here we go.
Atlanta
The city known to many as Hot-lanta is gridlocked even when there are not two inches of snow on the ground and would be hell to navigate in convention season, which takes place during the dog days of summer.
It is also the home of popular rapper 2 Chainz, perhaps best known for his maxim “I’m riding around and I’m getting it/It’s mine; I spend it.” The association could only serve to hurt the party Republican propagandists have made synonymous with out-of-control spending.
— Matthew Perlman
Chicago
Deep-dish pizza is not real pizza. What would the delegates eat?
Cleveland
Also known as “The Mistake by the Lake,” Cleveland may be home to the only body of water more polluted than the Gowanus Canal — the Cuyahoga River. That thing actually caught on fire, which, though it served as inspiration for a seminal Randy Newman song, does not bode well for a stay’s health impact on delegates.
Columbus, Ohio
What Philadelphia Rep. Bob Brady said — there is nothing there. Okay, besides watching college football.
Detroit
Bankrupt, dangerous, and, since Michigan’s conservative governor implemented the Emergency Manager Law, empowering the state to take over municipalities deemed fiscally unsound and replaced the elected government with appointees, Republican territory. We feel for these guys, but the city is just not in good shape to host a convention. Plus, it would be depressing.
Indianapolis
It might help the party of the limousine liberal to associate itself with Middle America, but think of the travel costs associated with transporting tens of thousands of people from coastal cities there.
Miami
You cannot hold a convention on the beach. No one will take you seriously, including attendees. Are you trying to host an arena-centered TV spectacle with viral potential or a white-linen party for your friends?
If you answered the former, get your sensible business-wear to the independent-media capital of world.
Nashville
The TV-show is hot right now, but trying to have its luster rub off on your-pre-chosen candidate is too obvious. Who are you going to get to DJ country music? And if you have that figured out, how are you going to get a giant crowd of people to sit still for it?
Orlando, Florida
Silly donkey, Disney is for kids.
Phoenix, Arizona
The average high in Phoenix in September is 100 degrees. Now, that is dry heat we are talking about. Do organizers want to be responsible for their party faithful turning into walking pieces of beef jerky?
Also, there would be the ever-present danger that Sheriff Joe Arpaio reads everyone in attendance the Riot Act and proceeds to lock up conventioneers in tent jails, wearing stripes and pink underwear.
Pittsburgh
The City of Bridges is actually kind of nice, if you don’t mind driving up and down terrifyingly steep hills and sharing air with fans of the hated Pittsburgh Steelers. But with a population of just 306,000, the former steel capital is a tenth the size of our hometown, meaning a huge number fewer potential voters to be wooed by the presence of the big event.
Salt Lake City
Politics is sordid enough without bringing polygamy into the equation.
