The NFL offseason is never easy for our Ida Eisenstein. What should be leisure time is instead one of the roughest patches on the calendar for our football fairy godmother, where the existential ennui caused by the interminable pause from the gridiron game leads her to physical and mental places both unexpected and unwanted.
The offseason — year 5772, according to Eisenstein’s National Parks-themed calendar tacked to her refrigerator with an old bottle opener magnet — has been particularly trying.
Eisenstein would not confirm her presence on the island of Cuba this summer. Sources put her in Havana, picking chickens for las peleadas in the dirty back-alleys of La Rampa for a viejo in a threadbare suit who called himself “Tapo.” She was also seen at a nightclub on El Morro, where she became violently ill while sitting on a rusted cannon. Ida fled the island after a watch repairman told her the secret behind Cuba’s delicious ice cream, yet she was able to cable us a message with the inspiration for the week — from a Cuban figurehead she refused to identify by name: “A revolution is the struggle to the death between the future and the past.”
Ida’s picks: Bears (-9.5), Texans (-10.5), Eagles (-9), Falcons (-1), Jaguars (4.5), Patriots, Lions (-9), Saints (-9.5), Panthers (-1), Seahawks (-1), Steelers (1), Ravens (-6), Raiders (1)
Packers (-5.5) over 49ers.
Kryptonite lock of the week:
Jets (-3) over Bills
“As one reporter said, the Jets have yet to cross the finish line.”
Ida’s record last year was 136-124-7.