With real estate developer Two Trees soliciting proposals for an “interim user” at its new waterfront property on River Street, the Brooklyn Paper newsroom has been humming with activity, as reporters brainstorm fresh, innovative solutions to help the multi-billion-dollar development firm win over locals, who are concerned about the massive housing complex the company hopes to build there within the next couple years. Here are just a few of the sensible, no-frills proposals we thought up to revitalize the coastal industrial property:
The Mother Cabrini interim-Memorial Fuel Storage Facility
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. By reverting the waterfront property’s use back to a fuel-storage facility, Two Trees can maximize profit by avoiding a large, upfront capital investment. And by renaming the site after snubbed Brooklyn saint Frances Xavier Cabrini, the developer can engender some goodwill among Catholics — without spending a dime!
Plant two trees
The developer could install an abstract art piece consisting of two trees, leaving visitors to ponder a vague, surrealist expression of environmental collapse and commercial exploitation of natural resources — and forget about the developer’s scheme to build 1,000 residential units in exchange for a free park!
A place to complain about Two Trees
Many locals are upset about Two Trees’ scheme to erect two massive towers along the Williamsburg waterfront, and the community has struggled to find a room large enough to hold all the critics. If Two Trees wanted to do locals a solid, they could inflate a massive, climate-controlled tent on the industrial site large enough to accommodate all of their detractors — and then replace it with those towers they hate!
Smorgasburg 2.0
The seasonal weekend food market Smorgasburg has drawn criticism from nearby residents, who complain that the wildly popular foodie fest attracts too many out-of-towners to its longtime home at East River State Park. Moving Smorgasburg to the former fuel-storage facility will free up the park for locals, while scaring off visitors offended by the market’s new, industrial milieu.
Interim Amazon HQ2
In what one city real estate maven described as “the worst day for NYC since 9-11,” Amazon pulled out of a deal to build their East Coast headquarters in Queens just over a year ago. Jeff Bezos has since chosen to settle for a smaller outpost of his online-retail juggernaut in Manhattan, but the Williamsburg industrial site could serve the multi-billion-dollar company as a rent-free interim space while it gets comfortable across the river.
Help Bloomberg save a buck
As former Mayor Michael Bloomberg outspends other presidential candidates by using a miserly .005-percent of his reported $62 billion fortune, the nation’s would-be commander-in-chief has busied himself opening campaign field offices throughout the Five Boroughs, including his first Kings County outpost, which debuted in Boerum Hill last week. By opening a second Brooklyn location at the Two Trees site, the billionaire media mogul could tap into the borough’s wealthy northern fringes — and save a buck on rent!
