Ray Rice, a star football player in the NFL, knocked his fiance out with a single punch in an Atlantic City elevator. He was charged with felony aggravated assault, but entered an intervention program that allowed him to avoid prison and may let his record be wiped clean. Many are outraged that he was only facing a two game suspension from football before the video of the incident went public.
What does this have to do with my teenage girls?
On the long list of things my daughters should know about before heading off into the world, domestic violence ranks high. It seems not to have touched their lives directly, but statistics suggest we know families who experience violence inside their homes, although these incidents remain invisible to neighbors and friends.
Almost certainly, my girls each have classmates who have witnessed one parent physically attacking the other, most likely a father, stepfather, or boyfriend hitting their wife or partner.
The numbers are alarming — one in four women has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner — and what worries me most is that these attacks are most common among women between the ages of 18 and 24. My daughters may quickly face dangerous situations in new romantic relationships and they will need to know what to do.
I remember talking to my girls a number of years ago when the singer Chris Brown was arrested for attacking his then-girlfriend and pop star Rhianna. To my shock and dismay, both my daughters were unwilling to pass judgment on Brown or say hitting your girlfriend or boyfriend is never, ever okay. I felt like a failure as a dad in that moment, worrying I had somehow set them up to become future victims.
Now, one in high school and the other in college, they have witnessed romantic relationships among peers, opining that some are good and some aren’t. They are able to more clearly articulate what it feels like to be treated respectfully. When my older girl left for school, we agreed she could bring home any partner as long as they treated each other with respect.
Janay Rice, Ray’s wife and the woman he flattened with a hard left to the jaw, defends her husband. This isn’t uncommon among those on the receiving end in abusive relationships. Often (as may be the case with Mrs. Rice — who gave up working to care for their young daughter) the victim doesn’t have the resources or support to break free.
I talk to my daughters about careers, work, and financial independence, but these issues take on new meaning in the face of a violent partner. Having a clear sense of what is and isn’t acceptable in intimate relationships is essential for them to ensure they don’t end up in a bad situation.
The public drama of Ray and Janay Rice offer me the chance to talk with my girls about the often hidden issue of domestic violence.
It is an unfortunate opportunity that I can’t pass up.
