Carmine buys a cheap printer — and pays a price!

I’m madder than college graduate with a degree in computer science and job opportunities that just don’t compute over the fact that their aren’t any jobs in America today, no matter what job you seek.

Look, you all know the ol’Screecher has worked from the time he could screech, and that I plan on continuing to work until they find a way to outsource my column to another country where there is another fat, angry gentleman with an ax to grind who’ll do it cheaper and twice as fast.

But that day ain’t coming soon, so you all better just sit back and let me get my latest screech off my chest.

The other day I went out on Tornado and picked up something I’d been missing for a while — one of them fancy machines that let’s me print the newspaper off the interweb right in my house. With it, I would finally be able to get hard copies of all the free-mail that’s sent to me from fans who love what I do week in and week out.

Of course, there was one problem: after lugging the thing home on the back of my trusty steed, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to get it to work.

Now I know what your thinking: “Carmine, how the heck couldn’t you get that thing to work? Don’t you got a little four or five year old grand kid sitting around twiddling his thumbs just waiting to get that thing purring. I mean, we all do.”

Well, I’ll tell you this: there were no kids around on this day, and I had a tough enough time getting the ink cartridges plugged in and making sure I matched up the colors in the right slot. I mean, it’s tough to see when my gigantic hands can barely fit into the darn gadget.

And I’ll tell another thing: there’s so many ways to get these things to work, it takes a genius to figure out which is the right way! I mean, this things says it’s completely wireless, but sure enough there is a wire sticking out of the back and I don’t know if its a high speed USB or disSCSI cord or Firewire or what kind of what not. Turned out it was the power cord!

How did I find out? Well, that’s the interesting part — and the part that really makes my blood boil.

I called the number in the instruction manual that came with this thinkamabooby and they told me if I wanted any help getting this it going I would have to cough up $125 for the phone call. But — and this is the kicker — if I paid $169 I could call them as many times as I wanted over the next year.

Now, I know a good deal when I smell one, so I signed on for that. That means I paid $59 for the machine and $169 more just to let me talk to a guy from a nother to get it going.

But I’m not going to let that bother me, because I plan on calling these guys at least once a day for the next 365 days. I don’t care if I have a problem with the machine or not, I’m calling. We’ll discuss everything from the weather, to the time it takes get from Harway Terrace to Coney Island by scooter to the minutes from my last BWECC! meeting.

I can’t wait until they start answering the phone by saying “What is it now, Carmine?” just like they do at all the local utilities when I give them my daily screech!

Now’s the point in the column where I say something nice about some people in the neighborhood.

Last year I attended the New York Aquarium’s Fifth Annual Community Partnership Dinner in Coney Island. This year I was accompanied by my nephew Anthony who accompanies me to these crowded functions. We sat with Pat Singer and her treasurer Lauren Lombardozzi, our favorite chief cop, Inspector Chuck Scholl, Radio Danu’s Anna Pekkerman. Dropping by to say hello was Assemblyman Alan Maisel, Alec Brook-Krasny, Ari Kagan, CB13 Chairman Eddie Mark. Oh, and Butch was taking photos.

When we moved to the Pavilion Tent for dinner and speeches. I learned about something I’d never learned about before. Jon Dohlin, Director of the NY Aquarium and Vice President of the Wildlife Conservatory Society asked “Did you know that in the middle of the Hudson River is a hole big enough to house the grand canyon?”

“No,” I says.

“Well it’s true,” he says. “And it’s known as the Hudson Canyon.”

Then, they honored Nick Bliss, of the Coney Island Development Corporation. And then he also acknowledged Councilman Domenic Recchia Jr.’s involvement with the future plans of this soon to be spectacular worldwide attraction. You gotta see the plans and drawings, and all because, Domenic didn’t like what he saw and wanted the best for Brooklyn, allocating lots of funds for its future. Our new Aquarium will finally offer views to see the Atlantic Ocean. Who woulda thunk?

From Coney Island to Bay Ridge; Tornado, Sharon and I attended the Brooklyn Columbus Parade Dinner at the beautiful Dyker Heights Golf Club, jammed packed to honor this year’s Grand Marshalls CB11 Chairman and HeartShare’s CEO Bill Guaranello, District 21’s Community School Superintendent Isobel DiMola and Kiwanian and community activist Nick Miraglia of Miraglia Funeral Chapels.

Everybody who was Italian or wanted be Italian was at this sell-out event. Assemblyman William Colton presented the honorees with an Assembly Citation as did state Sen. Marty Golden with a Senate Citation. Borough President Markowitz even issued one of his pateneted Proclamations.

If you think our politicians like to talk, you ain’t heard nothing yet. They love to talk as much as I love to eat. Now you know!

It was a great parade, a great dinner and wonderful time. And kudos to: Rita, Angela, Sara, Barbara and all their co-committee members. Ciao!

Screech at you next week!

Read every word of Carmine every Sunday on BrooklynPaper.com. E-mail him at [email protected]!