I’m madder than a cyberwar correspondent who spent months trying to figure out how identity thieves get their dirty work done only to learn that all they have to do is go on the Facebook to find out everything they need to know about everybody else just by following these knuckleheads who spill their guts to the entire world without even getting a book deal over the fact that I just learned I’ve been gaining weight my whole life since I moved to Harway Terrace not because I eat more and exercise less, but because I live in a noisy neighborhood!
Look, you all know the ol’Screecher has put on a pound or 200 since my days as a lifeguard at the Raven Hall pool on Coney Island, but the fact is it wasn’t my fault! Apparently, moving next door to a screeching train was all I needed to make my metabolism go botzoid, causing me to put on pounds by the truckload, a new study suggests.
“The increased risk of a larger waist rose with the number of sources of noise someone was exposed to at the same time — from 25 percent for those exposed to only one source to nearly double for those exposed to all three sources,” the Swedish scientists say.
So it wasn’t all those meatballs after all!
Folks, I’ve told you time and time again that I had to stop that dabnubbin’ noise that occurs every time the D train lurches past my pad — and now I know for sure that it is solely responsible for the few extra dozen inches around my waist!
I’m at the point where I will never take that train to Coney Island again for a delicious Nathan’s frank!
Anyways, I can’t let this enlightenment get in the way of my heralding of BWECC!’s 54th annual gala at the fabulous El Caribe Country Club on Mill Island, where ace photographer Steve Solomonson took so many pictures of me I barely had time to stuff any of the delicious hors d’oeuvres into my mouth. (Don’t fret, dear reader. I ended up getting plenty in. Plenty).
Recording Secretary Heather Fiorica took the helm of the evening’s presentations, planning and activities, setting a flawless precedent for non-stop controlled speeches; then having everyone eating their main course by 8:30 (or having them wrapped to take home).
Even though there were an array of honorees that all had been fully spotlighted in this column, there were spectacular presenters that should be heralded, such as 11-year-old Sierra Ndzibah to her mom; Joseph Soccoa to the recipient of the Cessara Soccoa Parent of the year award Lisa Addea; Councilman Mark Treyger filling in at the last minute for BWECC! Vice-President Michael Rizzotto for my presentation.
I chose Mark because we go way back when I presented him with the Project Learn Grand Prize Award at Seth Lowe IS 96 when he was a kid, and now he can hold his own against any politician anywhere and we can’t wait until he dumps the bozo at City Hall so we make this city great again and not at the expense of we impoverished tax payers!
Incidentally, this tirade of ill wishes has nothing to do with the $115 ticket we got for violating a no standing bus stop in front of 8508 18th Ave. despite my vehicle’s hard-earned handicapped plates.
Of course Assemblyman William Colton made a great presentation to Nancy Tong receiving BWECC!’s Humanitarian Award. Just wanna mention Nancy and her son Albert were the first mother-and-son team taking tango lessons from your’s truly!
Also got to mention that the Man of the Year Matthew Barone, assistant principal of PS and IS 226, who was presented by his mentor and wonderful principal, Shirley Tannenbaum.
I started talking about Heather Fiorica, the incredible Mistress of Ceremonies that presented BWECC!’s first time “Five-Diamond Hospitality Award” to Erica Kuskin. Erica’s 15-word “thank you” speech set the tone for rest of the presenters and recipients to “hurry up and eat, dance, and drink!
Erica, her sister Randi Garay, her nephew Eddie Garay Jr., Mary Montermarano, Linda Dalton, Sid Schatzman, Joe DiSanto, Maria DiGrazano all filled the gap of my ailing wife Sharon, just out of her sick bed.
That probably has something to do with all that train noise, too!
Anyway, thanks to all of you for a flawless gala!
Screech at you next week (but hold your ears so you don’t get fat)!
