Playoff Fever! Crucial Taunt is the first to advance to Round 2

Playoff Fever! Crucial Taunt is the first to advance to Round 2
Community Newspaper Group / Aaron Short

A wet and wild playoff weekend captivated hordes of kickball fans, as the top seven seeds all collected victories to thrust towards advancing onto the quarterfinals.

So far, only the sixth-ranked Crucial Taunt advanced in the World Cup-style, round-robin tourney, earning eight points after trouncing Zeus’ Beard, Kickball Fever, and N/A for three victories.

No other team finished three games on the rain-soaked fields, but top-ranked Brooklyn United, second-ranked Never Scared and third-ranked New Frontiersmen are well-positioned to advance next weekend.

Brooklyn United dismissed People’s Court and subdued Dolls Kicking Balls to earn six points at the top of its group. The team thought it advanced to the next round after a scheduling mishaps forced Licensed to Thunder Capt. “James T.” Kirk Wells to forfeit its game against the Dolls, but League Commissioner Kevin “Commish” Dailey hinted that he would give the Thunder another chance to play games next weekend.

“Ultimately, I’m going to talk with all of them about this, but it is my decision,” said Dailey. “I’m not going to make anybody do anything. But If Kirk says he wants to show up, we’re going to play a game, and if that makes Brooklyn United cry, I don’t care.”

Never Scared easily handled its opponents, hemming the Mau Maus and exterminating the Lightning Turtles, but a stern challenge against Recession Aggression awaits them.

Both teams finished Sunday with two wins and no losses, but Never Scared earned six points due to a mercy win, forcing the Aggression to beat Never Scared twice this weekend to advance.

The New Frontiersmen cooled off Hot Mess and ripped a seam in the Divine Sisterhood of Traveling Pants, earning two victories and five points. The plaid players should move on, as its opponent, Diddy’s White Party, only managed one win and a tie, earning three points, and must play its best kickball of the year on Sunday to have a chance to keep its season alive.

Also on Sunday, fourth-ranked Bacon Bits will battle a surprising Booze on First team. Both recorded two victories over Taco Taco Taco and Drinkers with a Kicking Problem, setting up the showdown.

This season’s dark horse, fifth-ranked Pony Boys, will match wits with the suddenly scorching Salute Your Jorts, which beat back Balls to the Wall and sunk Los Piratas. The Pony Boys have five points to the Jorts’ four, so they only need a tie or better to advance.

And the adept seventh-ranked Mathletes will face a difficult test from Majesty, a team which led the standings for the first half of the season before fading near the end. Both teams have five points, and the game should be close.

Finally, last year’s champions, the Mellencamps are in the thick of it, finishing off its two opponents, Ramrod and Sugar Tits!, to set up a colossal early round battle with the eighth-ranked Lobos. The Lobos tied Ramrod and earned only three points, which means it must beat the Mellencamps twice next Sunday in order to earn its way into the quarterfinals.

Lobos star infielder Jesse “Brandy” Alexander thinks it can be done, as long as his team shows up.

“The best strategy we have is to have our whole team on the field,” said Alexander. “Neil ‘The Crescent City Kid’ Rabinowitz was late coming back from a bachelor party in New Orleans,” adding that he did not entirely blame Rabinowitz’s debaucherous tardiness as the reason for the Lobos’ struggles.

Though he did, a little.