Southern discomfort! Atlanta team swipes trophy from Brooklyn kickballers

Southern discomfort! Atlanta team swipes trophy from Brooklyn kickballers
Photo by Stefano Giovannini

The South has risen again.

For the second straight year, an Atlanta-based kickball team walked away with the International Kickball championship trophy, barbecuing its Brooklyn brethren in the tournament’s final.

The Dirty South Crunkball All Stars and Hitsquad dropped Brooklyn’s Sherlock Holmies 9-3 on Sunday afternoon, opening the door after a key error in the bottom of the seventh inning.

Former Brooklyn kickball all-star Elizabeth “Turncoat” Townsend, who has since moved below the Mason-Dixon line, booted a grand slam over the heads of an outfielder who was playing toward the infield dirt — because she’s a girl.

“The [Sherlock Holmies] got chumped,” said Brooklyn League Commissioner Kevin Dailey. “Stop playing women like they’re little girls! That fielding strategy was pretty stupid.”

Nevertheless, Sherlock Holmies’ co-captains Emily “Dollhouse” Corkill, Sarah “Watson” Koniarska and Jessica “All-American Style” Seibert couldn’t be prouder of their team’s effort.

“I couldn’t have asked for a better team,” said Koniarska. “We were on point the entire day even though we were all 65 drinks deep. We played strong, had a lot of laughs, and talked a lot of s—t.”

The Holmies were one of five Brooklyn teams who entered all-star play with high hopes.

Three teams made the semifinals, led by Saved by the Balls’ Amanda “Screech” Donelan, Pony Boys’ Wendy “Boo-urns” Booher, and John Cougar Mellencamps’ Georgia “On My Mind” Nerheim.

But Atlanta’s southern stubbornness and familiarity with humid conditions — the field measured over 90 degrees at game time— helped them pick apart a rugged Brooklyn offense.

Brown called the contest the “hottest all-star game” she could remember.

“The [Atlantans] were amazing,” said Brown. “They had the upper hand because they’re so used to the heat. And also because they’re better than us.”

Dailey vowed to bring the trophy, designed by his friend Paul White, back to Yankee soil.

“The trophy was magnificent — actually striking,” said Dailey. “It looks like the Jolly Green Giant’s scepter. I don’t know how those dudes from Atlanta are going to get it on the plane.”